You might be surprised that I’ve titled this post: Pity Party. But I have to be honest with you, I’m finding things hard right now. I’ve been in this flare since May 19, tried all sorts of medicine, and now after two weeks of being on steroids, I’m still not feeling much better. I guess I’m just feeling a bit beat down and wishing that life could be “normal” again.
Funny, I got pretty comfortable when I was in my remission. Life was good and simple. I could eat what I wanted. I could go out to restaurants with my husband and friends and not worry about what I would eat and the impact of this food on my body. I took for granted being able to go to my yoga studio and not worrying about having to run out for the washroom. The location of bathrooms was not an all-consuming thought.
And now, now, life just seems to be so darn unfair and frustrating. I know that last week was my one year anniversary of my ulcerative colitis diagnosis and in my post I wrote about how ulcerative colitis has taught me to appreciate the small things in life. Well, I guess right now, I’m simply not feeling the same way. Today I really just wish I could be healthy and not have this disease hanging over my head.
I’d like to open the fridge, make a big salad full of raw vegetables and then eat a sliced raw apple for dessert. I’d like to go out for sushi with my friends. A bowl of red grapes would be perfect right now. Oh and peanut butter – to slather some peanut butter on some celery sticks and chomp away while reading the last Steig Larrson novel – now that would be perfect.
But more than the food – it is just the feeling of knowing that my body is working that I miss. I look at myself in the mirror and I see a lean, tanned, fit athlete. My muscles are defined and I have a great cyclist tan. But my cheeks are a little too sunken in, I have circles under my eyes, and my stomach is a little bit bloated.
Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. I’m sorry for burdening this on you. I’m pretty sure that you’re going through your own fight with ulcerative colitis and the last thing you need is to read about my tales of woe. But I just need to get this out somewhere. I know these feelings will pass and I’ll pick myself up and keep chugging along. But geez, some days it is so hard to get up and face the reality this disease.
I’m fortunate to have a very supportive husband. He does his best to appreciate and understand what it is like to have ulcerative colitis. But I hate burdening him with how I’m feeling emotionally and physically. I’m pretty sure it must be hard to see someone you love feeling so rotten and at times helpless.
Sigh. I guess really the only thing I can do is think about the goodness in my life. After all, soon enough I’ll be out on my bike – just me, two wheels, the open road, and my iPod. I can pedal away from my demons and just enjoy the power of my body. I’ll do my best to keep these positive feelings with me for the rest of the day and take time to savor the gifts of life. I know there is always a plus side but sometimes it is hard to see this.
Have a good one. And again, sorry for being a downer. I guess I’m only human…. (Time to go find my superhero cape!)