I’m in Denial

I’m in denial. I’ve spent a lot of the last year and a half, since my diagnosis with UC(ulcerative colitis), in denial.

At least now, there is a part of my brain that sees it more clearly. I don’t have to spend nights on the bathroom floor, in constant pain, lose 12kg in six weeks, to know that something is really wrong and I need to do something about it.

But there is still this part of me that tells me that it’s okay. It’s only a little bit of blood. It’s not really pain, you’re just imagining it. Toughen up, hang in there, you are strong and you’ll get past it.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to ignore that voice. Maybe it’s that I still don’t want to admit that I’m really sick. That I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

Maybe it’s that I am strong. I’ve willed myself to associate nausea with eating, instead of my natural inclination not to eat. I can ignore the pain until it’s so bad I can barely uncurl myself from the fetal position. Maybe if I wasn’t so strong willed, I’d be able to admit something was wrong, ask for help.

But I can’t. That stupid little voice. I know it’s wrong. I’m not okay. I know I should just call my GI, get an appointment, go back on the prednisone, or infliximab, or whatever he thinks I should try now. But I can’t.

So I’ve issued it with an ultimatum. 1 week. 1 week of chicken stock and overcooked carrot and eggs. And at the end of that, if there is still bleeding, I’m going to call.

And I’m writing this so I can’t cheat, can’t go back on my promise to myself.

Catherine’s story is now entered into the 2011 Ulcerative Colitis Writing Contest!!! You Can Join too, click here for details

4 thoughts on “I’m in Denial”

  1. Wow, I’m glad that you wrote. You are very strong willed and you will get through this. I think your plan of having the chicken soup and eggs for a week is a good plan, but if things don’t change don’t be too proud to call your GI because its your health, most important. The only way you will be able to tell us your story is by getting better, whether that be through diet or some Pred. You are strong, you do have UC but it DOES NOT OWN YOU, you’ve GOT THIS!!
    Keep chugging away.
    I do understand denial, I was there myself….try if you can to just know that this disease DOES NOT DEFINE who you are. Its just something you have that, yes you will be dealing with for the rest of your life. But think of yourself as an example for others. People can learn from your story. People can get the word out there and more people will learn that there is no cure YET for this disease, but maybe if we make more people aware we can make it happen.
    Well, that’s my 2 cents.
    I wish you the best and can’t wait to hear how it goes. I’m here if you need anything.

  2. You can’t continue to lie to yourself, you must face up to reality and admit you are unwell and have a condition that’s not going to go away. Why suffer when your Doctor may be able to help alleviate your suffering by proscribing the correct medication and referring you to a specialist. As for food, Adam has lots of ideas on this site plus I can recommend an excellent book by a regular visitor. The books called ‘Living with Crohn’s & Colitis’ by Jessica Black, N.D. & Dede Cummings, Dede is the regular visitor and draws from her own personal experience. Best of luck to you and hoping you soon feel better.

  3. Please call your GI. Yes you are strong and I agree that you shouldn’t let this disease define you, but il lived in denial for 6 years (my story is below- 6 years later) and it landed me in hospital separated fro
    My kids for 2 weeks and about a day away from having my colon removed! Stay strong but also be smart. Look after your health, take your meds and regain control of your life. You know it makes sense girl! Good luck and stay strong. Big love. Xx

  4. Thank you all for your comforting and sensible and kind words. I was feeling very self absorbed and full of self pitty, so didn’t think to include any back story, which explains a bit more of how I’ve come to where I am, and thinking the way I am.

    I’ve been on SCD since April last year, and then did it properly from October, starting the intro diet and phasing in foods, which helped a lot with a mini-flare then (which my GI brushed off as gastro – part of my hesitance in going back to him). Things have been getting worse since I started eating some nuts and coconut in energy bars to get through a week of really demanding karate seminar (http://23daysandcounting.blogspot.com/2011/01/scd-and-intensive-exercise.html), so I’m optimistic that going back to basics with SCD will help. In fact, today is my first blood free day in almost 2 weeks, which seems like too much of a coincidence not to be related to the diet change.

    Also, I’m on salofalk and imuran, which have never seemed to do much for me, and have previously been on pred (lots and lots for months) and had awful side effects, and infliximab (which worked well, with no side effects, but I don’t really want to go there again if I don’t have to).

    Katryna, I did read your recent story when you first posted it, and it made me cry. I wish you a speedy and lasting recovery from your flare.

    Thanks again, and all the best,


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