Hope – I Never Used to Pray Like This

I didn’t have any gluten today and only the amount of dairy that is in an off-brand butterscotch pudding cup (aka skim milk powder).

Attempting not to expect the diet change to be a miracle cure. Yeah, that’s going about as well as you’d expect.

I take the medicine and I eat the food and I go for walks. I do these things even when I don’t want to. Even when the pills crumble in my throat and make me choke. Even when I don’t want to eat anything but chocolate-covered bread. Even when my feet hurt after work because I was on them for the whole shift in my bad shoes.

My joints ache and my clothes don’t fit correctly and I am paranoid about any kind of sensation from my torso. But I’m getting better.

I never used to pray like this, thanksgiving and pleading in the same breath, in the same thought.

And when I think about where I was a year ago, not even knowing that anything was wrong and it makes me sad.

When I remember the months when I felt like I was imagining it, the pain and its consequences. When my brother told me that he thought I had an eating disorder because I would delay eating until I almost fainted because it hurt and I would eat only a little bit because otherwise I would be overcome with nausea. When the doctor finally realized that I really was ill. I don’t know why he thought I kept coming back, I’d never given him a reason before to doubt my ability to know when I’m ill. The validation of getting an appointment with the specialist, the horror at realizing that it would take two more months before I could get a diagnosis. The Christmas miracle of getting a lower scope three DAYS after my specialist appointment. Filling my prescription on Christmas Eve day. The instant relief, being able to eat. The terror of feeling hungry even when I could also feel my stomach bulging with food because of Prednisone.

I’m better, my latest scope said so. But my prescription is doubled right now to make me really really better. So that took some getting used to. I’m very lucky to be only on Pentasa.

Feeling lucky only goes so far and some days are better than others.

Submitted by “Jessamander”

4 thoughts on “Hope – I Never Used to Pray Like This”

  1. i was at work today and i was fine up until a hour before it was time for me to leave i got a bad pain in my stomach then i felt like i had to vomit so i went to the restroom but when i stepped in i fainted so i left work early and went to the hosiptal where they told me i have information in my colon i scared out my mind right now cause i didnt know what it was until looking at these sites all i can do is cry with nobody to talk to im only 25 years old with a daugther so what am i suppose to do

    1. OrdinaryWorldWhereRU

      Hi Nicole,
      It will be ok. If you have UC or Crohns it will likely change your routine but you will be ok. Take each day one at a time and be nice to yourself, you deserve it.

  2. Oh Nicole, try not to get down, easy to say I know but as OrdinaryWorldWhereRU says you will be ok. You need not be alone, you will find plenty of help on this site and could make new friends as well with people who have the same problem from all over the world. If there is anything you need to know or don’t understand, I’m sure Adam who’s site it is will help you and you also have the benefit of being able to ask the wider community on here as well. Chin up.

  3. Nicole,

    Jessamander has it right when they say they never used to pray like this. That’s what get’s me through this: praying. There is always someone there for you.

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