iHaveUC Secret Bathroom Pass

secret bathroom passHey UC’ers,

So here’s the situation:

My wife and I were driving earlier today.  It was time for filling up the tank with gas, and we’d had breakfast about an hour earlier.  So we needed to both hit up the bathroom.

And since we’re out in the middle of nowhere in North Carolina, there weren’t many options for gas stations…but there was one.  A dumpy CITGO station on the side of the highway.

As we walked up to get inside, there were not one, but TWO signs stating “Bathroom Out of Order”.  I wish I took a picture, surely you’ve all seen this before.

Thankfully, I didn’t need to drop a numero dos, but my wife needed to pee like a racehorse (maybe not that bad, but you get the picture).

So, I just assumed we’d roll down the highway another ten/twenty miles (20/30 kilometers km folks)…NOT THE CASE.

Michaela busted out to the middle aged gas station clerk woman at this dumpy CITGO station:

“Where do YOU go to the bathroom?”

BAAAAM!

The woman responded right away with:

“Go in that door right there that says OFFICE”

Problem solved.

I was out pumping, and asked her how the bathroom was…and she told me it was a joke.  No toilet paper etc…  So she pulled out a roll from our supply chest in the back of the van and rolled back in there.  And, after filling up, I rolled in and took a leak.

Not a super enlightening story.  But…

WHAT DO YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION?

How could anyone be expected to work a full shift at any business without a bathroom? (especially a gas station)

WHAT DO YOU SAY TO GAIN ACCESS TO THE BATHROOM when there’s an “out of order sign” or when you’re told we don’t have a bathroom?

Have you ever simply said: “I have ulcerative colitis, it is an inflammatory bowel disease, sometimes I poop my pants, can I use your bathroom NOW!”

If you have any lines that have got you into the bathroom before, PLEASE SHARE in the comment section below.

Who knows, there just might be an award winning line that can become the “iHaveUC Secret Bathroom Pass”.

In good health,

Adam Scheuer

13 Responses to “iHaveUC Secret Bathroom Pass”

  1. NoelOctober 20, 2013 at 1:28 pm #

    My nurse actually gave me a med alert card for Crohns requesting bathroom access. Haven’t had to use it, but before I got it I did once tell a shopkeeper my bathroom request was because I was having an emergency.

  2. Richele
    RicheleOctober 20, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

    Man! We’ve ALL been there. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to crap behind a dumpster or in my super handy vintage bed pan I used to keep in my car!! Yow!
    It just so happens there is an actual law against businesses/establishments who try to deny access to public restrooms. It’s called ALLY’s LAW, or the Restroom Access Act (look it up.) I went to http://www.MyIBD.org and ordered a medical alert card which I keep in my wallet. I’ve never had to use it…luckily I haven’t had to yet. I actually want to try using it in a non-emergency situation just to see what would happen. I believe…don’t quote me on this, that businesses who have 2 or more employees on duty are legally obligated, (in some states, Michigan being one of them) to let you use their restroom. If they don’t, they can be fined.
    Check it out.
    Richele

    • Katya
      KatyaOctober 21, 2013 at 11:48 am #

      Seriously, you’d think Ally’s Law would be in effect nationally, but it’s only in certain states as of now. I have the same Restroom Access Card though, and I’ve used it in states where the law is not in effect. All I have to say is “I have a medical condition” and reach for the card in my wallet – no one has ever questioned me beyond that point or wanted to inspect the card. Works like a charm. Once the card helped me out of a driving ticket!

      But the dump behind the dumpster always does the trick too!

  3. Caroline
    CarolineOctober 20, 2013 at 3:34 pm #

    Adam – have fun traveling through NC! It’s a lovely place – holler if you come through Charlotte! This is a great post – because when we gotta go, we GOTTA GO. Honestly, I have always been scared to let anyone in a public place of bathroom power know about my issue – like if they think I’m going to completely crush it, they will be LESS likely to let me use it. I might just be paranoid – but I am just really nice and they will let me use whatever facilities they have. I’ve never had a problem – I think your wife handled it very well. :)

    • AdamOctober 24, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

      “completely crush it” (LOVE IT!)

  4. bevOctober 20, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

    Sheesh!

    :)

  5. Paul WilloughbyOctober 20, 2013 at 4:48 pm #

    You could always go out behind their dumpster and drop a deuce. …

    • AdamOctober 21, 2013 at 4:41 pm #

      Nice on Paul! Can’t think of a better way/place to take a dump

  6. AndyOctober 20, 2013 at 5:56 pm #

    In Japan you would never this situation. It is probably the best country in the world for a uc’r to live in. Every 10 yards you have a 7/11 with a spotless toilet and they prescribe weird probiotics that work so well c.diff is virtually unheard of.

    But now I live in China the toilet is not as well respected and in this situation I would usually ask the shop and they give me the keys to the staff toilet.

    Several times I have just walked into a restaurant went straight to the bathroom did my biz and apologized on the way out.

  7. Joe H
    Joe H.October 21, 2013 at 9:19 am #

    I really wish I could snap my fingers and like the movie Freaky Friday put them in my body, and while I’m in their body, I smile nicely and give them the line I hate, “Sorry, It’s for employees only.”
    NYC is the worst place to need a bathroom in a hurry. I love the signs all over, ” NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS” or RESTROOMS FOR PAYING CUSTOMERS ONLY”. You have to be buzzed into some fast food restaurants, and buy something, and you better have some change with you cause it’s a pay toilet and they won’t give you change.

    I’ve noticed woman have more luck with bathroom Nazis. My wife puts on the urgent face and does the pee pee dance and just says “water pills”.

    Since I learned I have UC I only got caught by surprise once. As I ran up & down aisles in a Big Lot store looking for someone to tell me where the john was and holding my butt, I was in panic mode.
    Now I make sure I know ahead of time, if I’m out and about, where all the facilities are just in case.

  8. SherOctober 22, 2013 at 10:41 am #

    I downloaded an app on my iPhone called Reststop Finder! It locates the nearest Reststop, gas station etc. so on long road trips I can look and see how long I have to wait, usually it is reassuring to know…”ok I only have to wait 6 miles to the nearest bathroom”

  9. KerryOctober 23, 2013 at 10:06 am #

    I have UC. We’ve all been there…always looking around, wanting/needing to know where the nearest bathroom is (just in case).
    About a year ago, I was in a Hallmark store shopping and it hit me “I have to go now…EMERGENCY!”. I found a worker and asked if I could use their restroom, received a dirty look as she said “sorry it’s for employee’s only”. I replied that it was an emergency and that I had a medical condition. She refused me and I ran out and luckily just made it to a fast food restaurant to use their public restroom.
    I didn’t bother explaining that I had UC becuase I find that most people have no idea what it is. It wasn’t the time nor place to explain.
    Next time I will be more direct :-)

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